Susanna and I painted today. And after we washed all the paint off in the tub she wrapped herself up in a fleecy pink blanket and announced that she was a baby. She has been doing this a lot lately and, frankly, it has become quite annoying (among other things, she’ll throw food on the floor and refuse to talk or walk). But I recently quit my Wednesday morning commitment so we could have more downtime together, and it was Wednesday morning, so I just picked her up and cradled her in my arms, wrapped in that very soft blanket. She made soft whining noises (as a baby might) and I thought.
I thought about how she so often wants to be a baby, and then about how she more recently wants to be a mommy as well (and drink out of large glasses, go to the bathroom on the full-size toilet, and not get help with anything). And I thought about how she will soon have a brother and my parenting energies would be divided, and how whether she likes it or not, she’s growing up. And I couldn’t help but think that growing up and becoming a big sister is what her almost constant pretense of babyhood or motherhood is all about. I was very struck by what a difficult, albeit healthy, experience this probably is for her, and I got very emotional.
I know everything will be fine—be wonderful, in fact—and that Susanna’s life with be greatly enriched by exiting baby- and toddler-hood and by the arrival of a sibling. So it was not for some terrible thing but for the difficult feelings she is now experiencing—and other struggles she will have as she continues to mature—that I wept. It was a beautiful moment that we got to spend together as I rocked my almost three-year-old in my arms and told her that I love her and that I always will love her and that no matter how many baby brothers she has or how old she gets, she will still be my sweet baby girl. Susanna, meanwhile, continued to whine and squirm like a baby.
4 comments:
Wow, Amy that is so sweet! It reminds me of an essay I read while expecting our second...and I saved it and have sent it to friends expecting their second child who've felt similarly. I still have pangs of guilt that Elizabeth has these siblings that fight with her and ruin her stuff. I know in the end, though, their lives are much richer for having other kids in their family. So go here and grab your Kleenex :) http://www.bellybelly.com.au/articles/baby/loving-two-children
Amy, think how it will feel when your little Susanna is grown up with a child of her own, and you read on her blog about her wonderful and insightful thoughts about her family. It is for me very sweet, but there are moments when I look back with a little longing for those days when you were that age.
So cute to read your dad's comment.
Amy, I can remember the first night that I was home after having Simon. Sydney woke up and needed consoling and I started singing her special song. I lost it. Simon had come over three weeks early and I didn't feel like I had had the chance to tie up "babyhood" with Syd. I felt robbed.
I kind of have to laugh now, although those feelings were and are so real, I look at my two hooligans and can't picture things differently. I am hopeful that someday Simon will have to surrender being the "baby," I think it would be good for him.
I agree with you--I think it's important, and YOU will handle this perfectly and give Susanna all of the tools she needs to do so--I am convinced of that!
I'm not sure where I missed the announcement that you are expecting, but--congratulations!! And it sounds like it must be coming sometime soon, too!
Reading your post reminded me so much of how I felt the night before Eve was born. (I was being induced, so I knew it was my last night alone with Louesa). I couldn't lay her down in her crib, I just had to keep rocking her and rocking her.
The beautiful thing about two (and I imagine more) is that you love isn't divided or diminished, and if there are plenty of moments to see that they are all still you babies.
Again, congrats!
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